Posted on July 07, 2025
Recently I found myself losing sleep over my blog. I’ve written 95 blog posts since I began health coaching. No one makes me do it. I do it because I love trying to help people, and I enjoy writing. But sometimes it’s hard to think of new topics, and that’s what was keeping me awake.
“It’ll come to you,” my husband said the next morning on hearing of my poor night’s sleep. But I wasn’t convinced. What if it didn’t? Would I feel like a failure? I might. Standing in front of the mirror, studying the dark circles under my eyes, I had to ask, “Why do I do this to myself?”
The simple answer: habit. It started a long time ago. At about 10 years old, I joined a swim team. At one practice, the coach halted our sprints and complained that no one was putting forth enough effort – except me. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything less.
A few years later, alarmed by the prospect of braces on my teeth, I sat in a chair for an hour each day after school practicing to correct a swallowing habit that had evidently contributed to my tooth misalignment. I saved my parents a lot of money when I ended up not needing braces, but that’s not why I did it. I was just giving it 100%, as usual.
Fast forwarding to my legal career, a colleague accused me of being “overly conscientious.” It hadn’t occurred to me there was another way for a well-paid corporate lawyer to be.
In raising my children, I knew enough not to expect them to adopt my perfectionist behaviors, and not all of them did (you know who you are). Fortunately for them, my husband, who also worked very hard, modeled a more self-forgiving style.
Today I have no trouble encouraging clients to be gentle with themselves as they try to form new health habits, and I mean every word. But it’s so hard to take my own advice. Unconsciously I must believe that self-compassion – treating ourselves as kindly and gently as we do those we care about – is good for other people but not for me.
That has to change. I love my work and want to maintain high standards, but if I don’t cut myself some slack from time to time, I could burn out or harm my health. It’s easy to blame my parents for training me to believe that nothing I ever did was enough, but now I need to take responsibility for that belief and replace it with a new one that will support a more comfortable, sustainable work ethic.
This, like any other behavior change, will require mindfulness. According to Kristin Neff Ph.D., a leading expert on the subject, mindfulness is the first element of self-compassion. Without recognizing what I’m thinking or feeling in the moment, or if I resist it, the opportunity will be lost. I will need to listen closely for negative self-talk – my inner critic, that nagging voice of personal inadequacy – and let it have its say. Then will come my opportunity to challenge it. What, I should ask, is the evidence that I’m not doing enough? According to whom?
Having taken that first step, says Dr. Neff, I should recognize that everyone suffers even if not in the same way, at the same time or in the same amount. Being vulnerable is part of being human.
Thinking of this brought to mind a Netflix show about Alfred Hitchcock, the English film director known as the “Master of Suspense.” After his huge success with Psycho, Hitchcock feared he might not succeed again, but he soon did with The Birds. It was heartening to realize that even geniuses suffer from self-doubt.
Once I’ve accepted that being human is to suffer, I will need to show myself the same compassion I would show a loved one, a friend or a client who is struggling.
Practicing this and experimenting with “good enough” won’t be easy because I’ll be working to undo a lifelong habit. It will require reminders that I need to change so I can move through my days – and nights – with less mental stress in order to keep doing what I love.
I know this change will improve my physical and mental health. And clearing my mind of the heavy load of negative self-judgment might even open up more headspace for the creative thinking that could lead to a new blog idea.
If you’re like me – a “100-percenter” – think twice about what the demon of perfectionism is doing to you. And join me in trying to cultivate some self-compassion.